I never thought that I would ever get to the point of posting on an online blog. Sure, I visit various message boards and forums, posting tidbits here and there, but this is my maiden voyage into a blog.So what brought me to this point?
I met Amy while working at Delta State University in Cleveland, Ms. Actually I was introduced to her by a co-worker who suggested that I should ask her out. After meeting her, I decided that it was a good idea. At 21 years old, the only thing I was thinking was "man, she is hot!" I discussed the thought with another co-worker and he convinced me that I should ask her out for Friday night. Same co-worker then promptly asks her out for Thursday night, and , you guessed it, she went with him. All in all it was a blessing though. You see, I wanted to date her because of the physical attraction I saw. By Amy dating a co-worker of mine, I was able to become friends with her first. That meant that our relationship was based first and foremost on friendship. As time went on, and relationships soured, there came a point that we finally started dating each other.
I wish I could tell you that it has been a bed of roses since the first date, and I guess in a way it has been. You see, you can't have a rose, and not have a thorn. You can't see the rainbow without enduring the storm. So many times, when things get rough, people throw in the towel and call it quits. Marriage isn't always about being in love all the time. Marriage is about commitment. Love is a feeling, and feelings come and feelings go, but commitment means no matter what I'm feeling, I'm not giving up.The same thing can be said about my relationship with God. There are times that I feel like I am right there by His side, walking hand in hand and everything is great. Then there are other times that I feel like I am the worst Christian ever. I haven’t prayed like I should, I haven't acted like I should, and I find myself doubting that I am even a Christian. At those times, I must remember that when I am no longer walking side by side with God, it wasn't God who moved away from me.
Back on track....I will take a moment to enlighten you a little. My mind wanders from place to place. I think a lot about a lot. So if I get to rambling, just know that eventually I will get back on track.
Eventually I allowed Amy to marry me (lol) and we began our life together. We started off in a one bedroom apartment. I was working nights at the time and Amy was finishing school. Man, those first few years were rough. Even though I had spent virtually all of my non-working time with Amy for a couple of years before marriage, there was something about being married that just confined me. I didn’t have to be at work until 6pm but I would leave the house at 430 because I knew she would be home at 445 or so. I would get off work at 6am but not come home until 730 because I knew she would be leaving about the time. It was a huge adjustment period. Add to that the fact that I was working a part time job on my days off and even half a day the night before I went to work, and then a half day the day after I got off my rotation just to make ends meet. I would get so angry, to the point of being furious, because I was making all the money, but she was spending it all. Now, in retrospect, she was spending the money on bills and necessities, but I was too stupid and naive to see that at the time. I would call this a low point in our marriage. I would say that this would be a low point for most marriages. It is at this point that a lot of marriages fail......go back to my earlier writing of commitment and feelings.After a year of living in that one bedroom apartment we were blessed to be able to purchase a house....a home........and it was great! ROOM! Now we didn't have to be so confined and on each other’s nerves! Now, I have to stop and think retrospectively. If Amy hadn't been so diligent in paying the bills, and saving the money that I tried blow, we wouldn’t be in a position to buy a home in the first place! DUH!! Guys, if there are any newlyweds out there, learn from my mistake. God has a master plan, and He may use your wife to carry out that plan because He knows without her help, YOU (read I) wouldn't do it.
So, a year goes by. We had been talking about wanting a child, and were actually trying to have one. For all of you out there that have had no problems getting pregnant, you don't understand how difficult it can be. For all of you out there that have had a difficult time we understand each other. You see, as a man.....I fix things. If something is broke, I fix it. If there is a problem, I solve it. Someone hurts my wife, I hurt them. It's the way I'm wired. It's the way most men are wired. You can’t change it. But this, I couldn't fix. Month after month, time after I time we really thought "This is it! It happened!" But month after month we were disappointed that we were just fooled by mother natures’ timing.
After a little more than a year of living in our home, Amy called me one night about 10:00pm. This was not unusual as she called me before she would go to bed. This was a bad night to call. I was irritated at something, and directing my irritation towards her. I was tired, (still working at night and the part time job) broke, and just all in all in a bad mood. I remember the first thing she said to me was "do you have any money?" Here we go again, why is money all she ever wants? I said "no, why, what do you want to buy now" or something along those lines. She replied with, "just never mind". By now I was highly irritated. She has interrupted me to call me and ask for more money, and then decided "never mind?" I asked her again why she wanted money and she said she wanted a test kit. Knowing what we had been through time and time again, I asked her why....why would she do that to herself and what made her think that this time would be any different? Her response floored and excited me. "I have taken one test and it was positive, I want another to be sure". WOW! I immediately went to Walgreens and bought some test kits with the credit card! I couldn’t wait to get home. I wanted to go right then, but she said it would be better to take it in the morning. I didn’t waste any time getting home at 6 the next morning. To my surprise, she was awake and waiting on me. Come on clock...why are the second hands moving so slow? Sure enough, it was positive! POSITIVE! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! Uh oh----what in the world have I done?!?!?!
Fast forward 9 years to the present. We have tried to have another child. At first, it wasn’t so much trying to have one, but more of not trying to prevent one. As time went on, we tried. We have tried a ton of different things -- man there is ton of money to be spent on helping you get pregnant.
I have prayed, and begged, and pleaded, “God, why can’t we have another child? You tell us to ask, and we have. You tell us to have faith, and we have. Why? WHY??” “God, please, if You don’t want us to have another child, I am OK with that. I have peace with that, Please God, Don’t make Amy suffer with this burden any longer. If it is not meant to be, please, please, take away her desire for another child. Give her peace about it Lord”But no pregnancy occurred. There was no peace. In fact, if anything, the desire to have another child became stronger. And now, I was starting to have a desire for another child as well.
People. People usually have good intentions. But sometimes they just don’t know the pain they cause. I have seen Amy cry when someone asks, “Why don’t you have another child? Don’t you want another one? Don’t you think it isn’t fair to David?” They mean well, but they just don’t get it. If it was that easy, we would have had one. It isn’t it. And it’s just not comments to Amy. I have had men ask me what I’m doing wrong. Even tell me what and how I should be doing it. I don’t share my details with you, and I don’t want you to share your details with me. One of the greatest comebacks I have heard is “Yes, yes we do want another child and if it was up to us, we would have one, but it is not up to us, it is up to God, so if you want us to have another child, take it up with Him”. That usually shuts them down.
A short time ago, Amy started having some health issues. We thought that because of these issues, maybe it was preventing pregnancy. Once they were all cleared up, it was decided that there was no medical reason for her not being able to get pregnant. That’s good news though, right? Not exactly…..you see, if the problem is not with her, then the problem has to be with me. (Men=problem solvers---see where I’m going with this?) I can’t give my wife the one thing she wants. I can’t solve this problem. What is wrong with me? I am a failure. Right about this time in my self-pity state, God sent Amy to remind me that I wasn’t a failure. I had given her one child, and that meant there was a good chance it could be done again. We just needed a little help. I need to be tested. NOOOOO! I don’t WANT to do THAT! I had an idea of what the testing process was, and didn’t like that idea at all! You know, the worry and fear of the process is way worse than the actual process. Good news. Nothing medically wrong with me. No reason why I can’t father another child. So Amy went on fertility meds. We were told the meds were good…high success rate, very effective, but only good for 6 months. After 6 months you have to come off of them due to a health risk. 6 more months of waiting and disapointments and frustrations that ended just like all the others.
It was at this point, that we decided adoption may be an option. You see, it is our belief that if God didn’t want us to have another child, there would be something medically wrong to prevent us from having one. There is no medical basis for us not getting pregnant. Do not read into this that if there is something medically wrong with someone that our belief is that God doesn’t want them to have children. That is between you and God. For US, that was what we needed to have happen, to push US towards adoption. With no medical issues, and the desire for another child not going away, we were becoming convinced that God wanted us to look more into adopting.
At first, I was like, yeah, sure whatever. I don’t care. I don’t mind adopting, but wasn’t really actively seeking to adopt either. It was just one of those things that if it happens it happens. Amy and I both pray that God opens doors and closes others so that we can have assurance we are doing His will, and not ours. Case in point—when she was called to the ministry at La Belle Haven, she prayed that the vote be unanimous. Now, it doesn’t take that much for me, but it does for her.
She researched several different companies and agencies but there was always something that made her uncomfortable. Maybe it was their policies. Maybe it was their personal interaction. Who knows. I just know that she wasn’t comfortable with most of them.A few weeks ago, God sent a former youth minister back into Amy’s life through a social network on the internet. Oh, and look, he also works for an adoption agency! Emails were sent, information was requested, and now, all of sudden, life is moving at an incredible pace! We literally went from frustration and hopelessness to excitement and hope in a matter of about a week and half. This new company is great. There is a peace about using them. Everything is just falling into place. That’s the way it is with Gods plan. You don’t have to do anything, you just have to believe and He takes care of the rest! Sure there are some forms that have to be filled out, but honestly, there is no worry about the process. Every detail that we encounter, every need that has to be met, there is a way to meet those needs. By God’s grace, most of those needs were being prepared to be met several months and years ago…..we just didn’t know it at the time. Who would have thought that I decision I made on insurance back in June, or finances that were designated for one area that are no longer needed, would just come together to make all of this work? Our God is an awesome God. I am glad that He has a master plan, and I pray that I don’t get in the way and mess anything up!
